Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 16, 2005 21:49:14 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 16, 2005 21:49:14 GMT -5
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you Bill, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted . .
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 16, 2005 22:22:00 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 16, 2005 22:22:00 GMT -5
LIFESAVERS???
A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody quick, spit them out-----they're assholes!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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zoticgal
Junior Member
I'm Zotic. I do it all and then some. That's right, I am all that!
Posts: 55
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JOKES
Aug 17, 2005 18:54:44 GMT -5
Post by zoticgal on Aug 17, 2005 18:54:44 GMT -5
Those are funny.
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 18, 2005 0:40:25 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 18, 2005 0:40:25 GMT -5
Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children. Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments". One that we found very effective is for me just to take the child for a car ride and talk. They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our little ride together. I've attached a photo of one of my sessions with our son, in case you would like to try the technique.
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 18, 2005 21:48:32 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 18, 2005 21:48:32 GMT -5
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 20, 2005 14:24:37 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 20, 2005 14:24:37 GMT -5
Say what you feel.
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 20, 2005 21:50:51 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 20, 2005 21:50:51 GMT -5
Though Decision
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 23, 2005 20:21:06 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 23, 2005 20:21:06 GMT -5
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moon operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Aug 23, 2005 20:24:43 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Aug 23, 2005 20:24:43 GMT -5
A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD". WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS
DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOUR SON, JOHN
P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!
CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME
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Clown
New Member
"I crack myself up."
Posts: 10
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JOKES
Dec 12, 2005 22:56:28 GMT -5
Post by Clown on Dec 12, 2005 22:56:28 GMT -5
An American was seated next to a Belizean on Continental Airlines, when the American turned to the Belizean and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The Belizean, who had just begun listening to some music on his walkman, turned it down, and said to the American, "What yu wah taak bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the American. Thinking that he could be-little the Belizean...he said "Nuclear Power!!" "Aaa yes," said the Belizean, "dat could be a very in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus". "Go ahead " , said the American. "A donkey, a cow and a deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turn out flat patties, and a donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the American. "I have no idea." "Well, den," said the Belizean, "How de rass yu feel qualified fi discuss Nuclear Power wen yu don't even know shit ?
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